Wrapped

All the presents we have purchased and received (except Dylan & Eli's) are wrapped and under the tree. However...why is it that my tree, even with presents under it, never looks as pretty as you see in the movies or pictures? My tree is beautiful. It's a 10 foot pre-lit tree that my husband decorates and it looks great. There is a matching tree skirt under it and lots of presents covering the bottom, but yet it isn't as pretty. Maybe it's my wrapping paper. Maybe it's the horrible job I did on wrapping. Maybe it's that there aren't any bows. I don't know what it is. I love looking at my tree and having Christmas music playing in the background, but some day, I want that special "in the movies" look for my Christmas tree.

Done

The last time I wrote I hadn't even started Christmas shopping. Today, I officially have one present left to find and purchase. We know what we're going to get this person but it's something you can only order online and so we're waiting for the right product at the right price.

I wrapped about half of the presents today because I my plans for the day fell through. Today was supposed to be my annual Christmas goodie baking day with my Mom, sister-in-laws, and aunt. My Mom decided to get sick on all of us and there was a little ice on the roads this morning so unless Mom is feeling better tomorrow, our annual baking day will be cancelled. I won't be sad that I don't have all that candy to get fat on, but I will be sad that I don't get to spend a fun-filled day with my girl family.

Christmas Shopping

Usually I have all my Christmas shopping or at least 95% of it done before Thanksgiving. I haven't even started this year and what's worse is I have a pretty good idea what I'm going to get most people. I just haven't sat down at my computer and done the research to get it ordered. Crazy?! Some people are making it rather difficult on us. The whole, well we don't care what you get us. I am going to buy something for them because that's just the way it is. And, honestly, I do want to buy them something. It's not out of obligation. It's genuine, and now I have to try to figure it out and make them happy without any help from them. I love Amazon wish lists and I think everyone should have one for them, their kids, and their dog if their dog gets presents. You know what I mean? My money is better spent when you have 10 ideas I can choose from and they are all something you like. It's still kind of a surprise because you don't know which of the 10 things it is...right? So help out your friends and family. Get an Amazon Wish List or put together a wish list of some kind and give it to them so they don't have to play the guessing game. You'll be happier, they'll be happier and you won't have to fight the crowds after the holidays to return it.

(sigh)

So hard to come up with titles for a Blog. We'll just go with (sigh). Eli went to bed Monday night. We had a good day. I don't recall him being extra whiny or not wanting to eat. At 12:30 I got up because Dylan was calling for me. He was scared of the dark. Seriously! It's always dark at night and if you were asleep you wouldn't know it was dark. Well, that's what I wanted to say, but I didn't. I just reassured him there was nothing in the dark and it was ok to be scared but he should pray to ask God for peace and he just needed to figure out how to deal with it. Something along those lines. About 30 minutes later, he called again. He couldn't go back to sleep. I just told him there wasn't anything else I could do and he was just going to have to lay there.

Within another 15 minutes I got the chance to get up again. Sleep was not on the agenda for the night, at least for the kids and I, anyway. Eli was crying. It was the cry you know you need to go find out what's wrong. I didn't turn on the light but I could see he was standing in his bed. I reached down to pick him up and he was wet. I thought, wow did I do that bad of a job putting on his diaper that he already leaked out or did he really drink that much. And, then...it hit me...the smell. It was definitely not pee. I moved him to the changing table to take off his clothes, turn on the light, and assess the damage. He had vomitted everywhere. It was on his bed, pillow, Mr. Moo, the bumper pads in the crib, all over himself, in his hair...oooh grosse. So, I started to take off his clothes and he proceeded to throw up again. I got his clothes off and put him in the floor where I put on a new onesie and then he did it again and I fortunately caught it with his pillow. Oh, yes...the pillow. Because I would a whole lot rather wash a pillow in the washing machine than try to clean the floor and forever have that stiff carpet feeling. I did manage to catch 98% of it and then I started trying to talk a little louder in the monitor. "Chris, are you there? CHRIS can you hear me? CHRIS CAN YOU hear me? CHRIS I COULD REALLY USE SOME HELP!" Well, that didn't work. So by this time, since Eli has been screaming and now I've been talking very loudly, Dylan is awake complaining that Eli woke him up. I have puke all over me. Eli still has it all over him. I have plenty to clean up and Chris is oblivious. So, I walk quickly and loudly (mind you) to our bathroom where I turn on the water and sternly say, "I could REALLY use some help here. Didn't you hear me calling?" He's still oblivious. What's going on, he says. So, I politely explain in a hurry and say, "You have to give him a bath while I try to clean up his room. I clean up his room, start a load of laundry, get the rest of the dirty clothes out in the garage so it doesn't stink up the house, set up the pack-n-play in our bedroom with towels and blankets all around on the floor just in case he decides to do it again and then bring fresh clothes for him to put on. Eli is so tired. You can tell he is completely drained of all energy. I put on his clothes and lay him down in the pack-n-play, he rolls over to his sleeping, rear in the air position and he's out within seconds. Wow! What a night. Oh, and now I can feel my own stomach churning. It's going to be a great night.

We wake up Tuesday morning and Eli has not vomitted all night. Woohoo! Oh, no, though...my stomach has not forgotten it's still churning. And...here goes my problems. I spent the morning racing to the toilet and then just laying limp on the bed but then I realize I have to get Dylan to school. Oh great! I feed him some oatmeal and Eli a little apple juice with some water which quickly comes back up. No more food for him. I take Dylan to school while trying to avoid talking very long with the teachers. I actually make it there and back with no problems. Eli and I are happy to just lay in bed all morning and do nothing. That's how my day was. I only changed out of my pajamas because I'm not sure how Dylan's preschool teachers would have reacted. No, I didn't shower because I didn't care. I was nice enough to brush my teeth, though.

Wednesday morning, Eli was in a much better mood but still not real mobile but that didn't last long. He didn't want to eat anything and suddenly all he wanted to do was lay on me and whine. He still wasn't feeling well. He didn't throw up but he wasn't ready to get down and play, yet either. About 2 hours before church I was trying to decide whether to take him and risk it or stay home. He helped make up my mind. His diapers started getting really runny and yucky. Well, I was honestly happy. Not that I didn't get to go to church, but happy that it wasn't puke. Diarrhea is contained in a diaper. It's easily cleaned up. Yes, it stinks, but This...I can handle. So, yes that's what we've been doing for 2 days now. We are helping ensure White Cloud diapers stays in business. But, I AM NOT COMPLAINING.

I do however have one complaint about this whole situation. My family (all 4 of us) just had this same experience in October. So, shouldn't there be a rule about how often one family has to endure the stomach bug. Like, maybe only once every 6 months would be a good start. Whoever makes up those rules should really think about it. :)

Brace Yourself, Chapter 2

I got my bottom braces on yesterday and immediately I could feel how tight the wire was. I am suppsed to be on a liquid diet for 24 hours but if it's anything like last time, it will be a week before I can chew up a steak. My cheeks are getting a lot more raw than they did with the uppers. I feel like I bite my cheek more often. She had problems getting the brackets all on and the wire through because my bottom teeth are cramped and two of them are very crooked. I look forward to this being a little easier and more importantly to getting my teeth fixed so I can get these braces off.

I had a major blessing yesterday when I went to get these on. Chris has been doing a little computer work for them. They usually just take the money they owe Chris off my bill. It works great! He had done some work about a month ago and it didn't come off the bill this time, but completely separate you have to pay an additional amount when they put the tops and bottoms on. So, after I got the bottom braces on yesterday, I went to pay my monthly bill and for the bottom braces and she said I didn't have to pay for the bottoms. She said her paperwork showed they were already paid. I assume it has to do something with the work he did, but we didn't think the work equaled out to that much. We're so thankful, though! Next year I'm going to have to have my wisdom teeth pulled to have some room for all the movement in my teeth and it's going to be expensive. Any money we can save on the braces can help with that. Plus, Christmas is coming up and I normally have half my shopping done by now. I don't this year. God always seems to provide and always at the right time. It's God good!

Eli Say...

Eli has started to say a few words. He says, Mom, Dad, hat, hot, ball, and maybe one or two others. He has always communicated very well, but lately since he realized he can grunt and point he's started doing that more and I don't really care for it. Chris was feeding him a rice krispie treat the other night after dinner. Before he would give him a bite he would say, Eli say...love or Eli say...please. It was so funny because there are certain words like please, thank you, yes, and no that he just signs and I'm not sure if we'll ever get him to say those words. He laughs at himself when we get excited if what he says sounds similar to what we asked him to say. I'm sure if you had us on video trying to get him to say words and then getting excited and watching his reaction, it would be quite humorous.

Past That

So we might actually be past the sickness round in our house. At least, we're at the end of it. We went through quite the battles here over the last month. We just ended with 3 of us having severe congestion and winter colds, even though it isn't even winter yet. And, now, Eli is getting 3 teeth at one time. Poor kid! I know it's just part of getting bigger and older, but you know it can't be fun. I am experiencing all kinds of fun pain with braces and so I can relate at least a little.

I just finished an afternoon of Quickbooks for NTCP and some laundry and now I'm back off to church for the evening. I gotta figure out what I'm going to fix for dinner when we get home. No time for that, now, though...Eli is waking and needs some attention before I undress and redress him for church and stick him in the car for 35 minutes. Every day is a great day! I know that sounds sarcastic but I don't know what I would do with a different life. I love mine very much and everyone in it.

Job From Home

I finally got a job I can do from home. My husband is a great contact and he's a good networker. You know what I mean? He talks to lots of people and they talk to people. He always has tons of work and this time the work needed was actually some Quickbooks data entry and reconciling of accounts. I'm actually working for a legitimate business who has been established for a few years. I've always wanted a job to do from my own home computer, but never found anything that wasn't pay us $49.99 and we'll tell you how to do surveys so you can make $2 for 15 minutes of your time. I'm not real interested in that kind of stuff. If you could actually make decent money I'd jump at the chance to do surveys. Anyway, this job is temporary. It's just supposed to be through the end of the year. You never know, though. Maybe I can prove to be an assest and the company can find another use for my talents. I hope so!

Chili

My husband has been harrassing me to make him some Chili for quite some time now but I didn't think the weather really necessitated it. So, he's been getting his fix elsewhere. Last week he came home bragging about getting 3 bowls of homemade chili for lunch from a lady he did computer work for. So, I am staying up right now fixing some chili for his lunch tomorrow. I will not be outdone by customers. Just kidding! I love my husband and am happy to please. I'm sorry I didn't do it sooner.

Facebook

So, under a little pressure I decided to join Facebook. I have to tell you, though, I actually enjoy it. I don't really chat too much with the people who pressured me into joining, but I have reconnected with my cousin. She and I were great friends back in the days where our families got together a lot. Now that our Grandparents are gone, we don't see much of each other. Plus, we have families of our own now and it's hard. It's been good to be in contact with her and be a friend and have a friend, again. I've also been able to chat with some missionary friends, a pastor's wife friend, and friends from Kansas City. It's nice just to get little tidbit updates on what's going on in everyone's life and also be able to check out up-to-date photos. I probably should post some of my own.

Sick

This house is infested with puke and diahrrea. Two weeks ago we were out to eat and I noticed Eli was extremely stinky. I took him out to the car to change his diaper because we were getting ready to leave anyway and the restrooms didn't have changing tables. He had diahrrea. When we got home Dylan started complaining that his stomach was upset. I quickly gave him some herbal medicine and hoped all would be well. We all went to bed shortly after that. Chris and I were watching TV and I thought I heard Dylan cough through the monitors in our room. Then, he called "Mommy". I didn't think anything of it so I told Chris it was his turn. Then, I heard Chris talking to Dylan through the monitors and I thought he said something about "did you throw up?" So, I started running and when I got in there it was horrible. It was all over him, his Minnie and Mickey, the bed, the pillows, the comforter, down the wall and on the floor. He did it good! So, we made him a pallet in his floor, gave him a trash can, talked to him about what to do next time, cleaned everything up and went back to bed. About 2 hours later he was standing in the hallway crying. When I went to help I asked what was wrong and he said he needed to go potty and couldn't get his diaper down. We got that all taken care of and then as I was putting him back in his bed I touched something totally grosse. I said, "Dylan did you throw up again". He said, "Yes, but I did it in the trash can". Well, only about 1/3 of it actually made it in the trash can so the rest was on the towel I had put the trash can on and then his blankets where he was sleeping. I cleaned that up and got him back in a pallet on the bed and he begged to come sleep in our bed. I told him I didn't want to get sick and he wasn't sleeping with me but I would make him a pallet in our room and he could sleep on the floor. I got up with him one other time that night but by morning time he was sleeping good. I had a Sunday School class to teach so I took Eli with me to church and Chris stayed home with Dylan. When I got home from church, Dylan was running around in circles and he said he was feeling great. We took him to church Sunday night and he was fine. Monday he started all over again but this time it included diahrrea. Eli also had diahrrea that whole day. Then, Tuesday they were both fine. Then, Wednesday, Dylan started all over again. We had a Home Missions Conference at church that week which required my attendance. He went with us on Tuesday night but Wednesday Chris stayed home from work because I had to be at church all day. Chris said he wasn't feeling the greatest anyway. When I called later to check on them, Chris was having all the same symptoms. While at church that evening, I was sitting next to my brother, Aaron and his wife, Julia. The children's worker came out and said Emma was laying around and said she didn't feel well. They went back and got her and thought she was just tired. Within 15 minutes she puked all over the floor in front of us. So, while Julia was trying to clean her up and get her to the bathroom, I got to help my brother clean up her mess. Thursday, Chris thought he was ok so he went to work and I just told Dylan he had to go with me to church since he only had diahrrea and he would just have to sit in the back with me. My job was kind of crucial and no one else could do it that was going to be there. He had diahrrea one time before we left the house and then he has been fine ever since. Chris ended up coming home early from work on Thursday because he spent most of his morning at work over the toilet puking and he stayed home Friday, as well. His symptoms lasted until this week on Wednesday. He had it a full week. He did go to work on Monday and Tuesday (don't ask me why). He just said he had to be there so he closed his door when he was in his office and just washed his hands lots. Thursday night during the night I had the feeling in my stomach and throat you get when bad stuff is getting ready to happen so I got up and took some herbal medicine stuff and prayed really hard. It took about 3 hours of just laying in bed hoping I would either throw up and feel better or just feel better. Finally, I fell asleep and when I woke up in the morning with the kids I was really tired but actually felt better. Friday, Eli was acting kind of fussy in the morning so I just thought he was tired. I laid him down for a nap which I knew he needed. I had just sent Dylan and my niece Emma outside to play. I was going to be right behind them. Eli was whining and crying so I went in and he was standing up in his crib. I kind of swatted his leg an little and told him to lay down. He complied but by the time I walked out of his room he started screaming that pain scream when you know something is wrong. I picked him up and walked the floors, sat and rocked him in the recliner and did everything. All the while, he's still screaming in my ear. He would want out of my arms and he would walk around the living room and then he'd come back and get in my arms and squeeze really tight. Then, he'd get down and walk around and do it all over again. I think he didn't know what was wrong and he was trying to get comfortable. He got back up in my arms just in time to throw up down my shirt, in my bra, all over my back and pants, all over the chair and his blanket. It was a huge mess! I got him to the bathtub where he threw up several more times and then just became limp. I laid him down in the bathroom floor with only a diaper on while I got out of my nasty clothes. He just laid there pail as a ghost not moving or saying anything. About that time, Dylan comes running inside and says he just peed in his pants because he couldn't make it to the bathroom. So, I strip him down and make him go get some clean clothes while I get dressed and then lay Eli down on my bed. He immediately falls asleep. I'm sure it wore him out. I got Dylan fixed up and sent back outside and called the doctor. To no surprise, there's nothing they can do. So, I called my sister-in-law who happens to be a naturalist. I tell her my whiny story and she says she has just the thing. I package up the kids and go over to get this stuff called Bentonite. She said it tastes like dirt and it honestly looks like water with dirt in it. I don't think I want to try it. She says just to give him a teaspoon in whatever he drinks and it will help coat his stomach. She said to do it in every drink over the next 24 hours. It is supposed to pull out the toxins in your intesines and push it out through the bowels. When I got home I gave him a little in a cup with some juice but he no more than finished it when he puked again. I decided maybe if he only drank a small amount that was more concentrated it might work. I tried that and it worked. No more puking the rest of the night. Last night we celebrated family birthdays at my Mom's house and so we just all went. Eli did great the whole night. I took the Bentonite over there and gave it in his drinks there. When we left I forgot the Bentonite. Saturday morning he got his regular milk when he woke up and then he ate breakfast with no Bentonite. I had a ladies breakfast with the church ladies and Mom brought it to me. When I got home Eli was kind of fussy and very clingy. I knew he wasn't quite feeling good, yet. Chris said he was hungry and to feed him lunch and I did. Eli got down from his chair and walked over to the window where he gave us back his lunch, in a not so colorful way, down the wall and behind the baseboard, as well as under the baseboard. So grosse! I really should have given him a small dose of the Bentonite first. Chris said just to put him down for a nap and try when he wakes up. So, that's what we did. That was the last of the puke I have seen in the last 24 hours. Now, since Eli has been taking the Bentonite he has been having some really nasty diapers. The Bentonite is a detoxifier and it is doing it's job. I'll take the yucky diapers over puke, any day. They are at least contained.

That was probably more detail than anyone really wanted to hear. Sorry about that!

Chris wanted a wood stove for his birthday (the real thing). A guy at our church sells them and it came in Thursday. We went last night to pick it up and now we have to wait for somebody to come make a hole in our roof and get it all hooked up. We are hoping it will cut down on our heating bill. I'm hoping it doesn't make an ashy mess everywhere.

Busy? Who Us?

So much as happened in the last 3 or 4 weeks and I haven't had time to Blog or check out my Facebook. It's been crazy around here! I used to think stay-at-home Mom actually meant staying at home. Ha! That is so far from the truth. Let's see!

Dylan has had Parents as Teachers meetings, pre-K testings, and started PreSchool two days a week for two hours each day at a place just a few minutes away. Yep, he started school. He loves it and they do a great job. There are 2 ladies teaching. One is a former Kindergarten teacher and the other is a former elementary counselor, both working for Willard Schools. There are only 2 other girls in Dylan's class so he gets lots of one-on-one attention and now I can give Eli a little one-on-one attention. Each day they do the Pledge of Allegiance and they have a letter of the week. Everything they do that day revolves around the letter they are studying. They have a snack that starts with that letter. They do an exercise that starts with the letter or somehow work the letter into the exercise. They have a science experiment that has to do with the letter. They do an art project that has to do with that letter. They also get to work with numbers, shapes, colors, calendar days and time and so much more. So far I like what I see. He's also been involved in birthday parties, fall picnics, and even topped it off with being sick for about 5 days last week.

We had Eli's 15-month pictures last week. He continues to grow and mature. His personality is really coming out and he absolutely loves his big brother. They play together very well. As a matter of fact, I was out washing the car this afternoon and they were both with me. I had to bring Dylan in for nap and Eli had another hour before he needed to go down and his attitude completely changed after Dylan came inside. Crazy!

Chris has been busy with the usual work, side jobs, and helping me take care of the boys. He's such a great Dad. When Dylan was sick last Sunday Chris stayed home with him because I had a SS Class to teach. Chris did a great job of making sure Dylan was comfortable and getting Dylan to the bathroom quickly when needed. Because of that, he ended up sick and is still recovering. I am so thankful for him. Tomorrow he turns 30! I try to remind him that life just keeps getting better and 30 is just a stepping stone for more good times.

I have too been busy. I am the "Mom". I take the boys for all their stuff; school, doctor appointments, testings, picnics, parties, and yes I helped clean up puke last week, too (more times than I wanted to). In addition to all the normal Mom stuff we had a 2 1/2 day Home Missions Conference at church. Basically, that means we bring people in from around the nation who are trying to plant churches and try to give them some spiritual and financial support to encourage them and keep them on the right track. I know what you're thinking, though! 2 1/2 days doesn't seem like that long but there is prep work involved and it starts at 8:00 in the morning with breakfast followed by classes until 12:30ish and then lunch. You get the afternoon off and then back to work by 5:30 for dinner which is followed by church and might conclude by 9:30 in the evening. There is also clean-up involved and then you need to visit with the church planters or missionary workers that have come in for the week. We ended the week with a big bang on Sunday which was a celebration of 20 years by our Music Minister at our church. That's a long time to be at one church, especially in this day and age. We had lots of special stuff Sunday morning and a big barbecue dinner Sunday night. So, again, prep work and clean up. Don't get me wrong? I wasn't involved in all of it from start to finish. With my two boys being so young and sleep being vital to them we weren't available as much as I would have like to have been. Some day, though, some day!

This week I actually don't have anything going on today so I went grocery shopping, did several loads of laundry, and cleaned my car inside and out. Now, I really need to be cooking dinner because Chris didn't eat breakfast and when I talked with him earlier he wasn't thinking he would eat lunch so he'll probably be hungry when he gets home. Tomorrow is Chris's birthday as I already said so if he is feeling well, we'll probably go out for dinner. Wednesday is my dentist appointment and a visit to Grandma's house for dinner before church. Thursday is dinner with my brother and sister-in-law and their family while she helps me complete my vacation scrapbook. Friday is a birthday dinner for Chris and my other sister-in-law at my parent's house and then Saturday is a church ladies breakfast with special honor shown for the Pastor's wife. (It's clergy appreciation month, you know!) Then, if the weather is nice I think our family is going to try to cut out and maybe do a day at Silver Dollar City. Whew!

You know what? I love my busy life! It's busy with all the right things. I wouldn't change it for anything.

Funny Boy

When you get shoes and socks for Eli he starts smiling because he knows generally that means he's going outside or he's going somewhere. Yesterday, I got them and I headed to the area where we usually sit down and them on. I put my socks on and told him to come get his shoes on. What I meant, was for him to come over so I could put them on. He came over while I was putting my shoes and and picked up his shoes. He started to walk off and I said, No, No, No. I have to help you put them on so he walked over as close to me as close as he could get and shoved the shoes in my face and then just sat down with a hard thump and a grunt. It was kind of like...I did what you told me Mom, I don't understand.

Eli is my copycat. I guess that comes with being a second child. He's so funny, though! The other day Chris was carrying him and Chris spit so Eli made the same sound and tried to do it, also. Quite hilarious!

The last couple weeks Dylan and Eli have had colds. Dylan was never real good at blowing his nose up until recently. Now, he's really good at it. While we were on vacation he would find a Kleenex lying around and he would put it up to his nose and make the same sound with his mouth. He was immitating. So...so funny! This week, since we've been home if I go toward him with a Kleenex he starts to actually blow his nose before you get there. He usually has it dripping almost to his mouth by the time I get there and then he'll let you wipe once but if you don't get it all the first time you'll have to chase him and hold him down. He doesn't want to stand still to get it all.

When we're all playing around and one of us starts laughing, Eli almost always laughs and then claps his hands like he knows why you are laughing. Half the time we are laughing at him which makes it even funnier.

Today, Eli had already eaten lunch but since I was eating he wanted to continue eating. If you don't know Eli, that's him. He's my eater and if anyone is sitting at the table eating, he thinks he needs to be doing the same thing. I gave him a piece of bread to snack on. I had torn in up into pieces but toward the end he kept grabbing for the remainder of the piece. He didn't want it torn up anymore. Reluctantly I handed it to him as I was getting up from the table. I was going to clean off my place and put dishes away. He did very well for the first several bites actually chewing parts off and he had such a huge smile on his face, I thought he'd be ok. Then, I started making snacks for his bag for church tonight. I usually have a small bowl of cheerios and puffs and then one small bowl of nilla wafers. I have to break the nilla wafers because they are too big for him and he can't actually take bites out of them. He was me doing it and wanted some. He kept pointing at me and the nilla wafers, then he would put the bread down and point again. I told him he had to eat the rest of the bread before he could have a cookie. (That's what I call them!) He took the whole rest of the piece which was a pretty good chunk and stuffed it all into his mouth and then reached out for a nilla wafer...kind of like, ok now bring me one. Before I could get a handful of the crunched up pieces he started choking on that big huge piece of bread. I get there just in time to help pull it out of his mouth as he puked into my hands. Yes, he did! If you're a parent you've probably been puked on many times and I can't count how many times Dylan or Eli has puked in my hands or Chris's. But you know what! I laughed at him because it was actually quite funny even with stinky puke in my hands.

After he finished his wafer I put him on my bed while I did a few things in my room. When it was time for nap, I reached my arms out for him and told him to come here. He smiled really big and then layed his head down on my pillow. He knew it was nap time but he didn't want to go to his bed.

He's my lovable boy. He loves hugs and laying on you especially right on your face while you are trying to talk to someone or watch TV. I am really enjoying him and trying my hardest not to rush his growing up.

Long Time

So, it's been a while since I posted. I've been busy! Mostly gone, but also busy. On Aug 25 my "Jaquess" family took a vacation down to Stillwaters Resort in Branson. It's just a few miles past Silver Dollar City although we didn't visit SDC during this vacation. SDC was closed preparing for their next festival. Our vacation started Sunday afternoon as soon as church was over. We ate lunch together and caravanned down. Dad did a little magic and some stories for the kids and then talked to us adults about properly raising kids for our evening services. We spent the next two days swimming, eating, fishing, and relaxing...probably in that order. It was a great time! I plan to post pictures on our beesonfamily.org website. Everyone went home Tuesday night except Dad, Mom, Emma, me and my 2 boys. We went to ride go-carts and play putt-putt on Wednesday with lunch at McDonald's before heading home for afternoon naps and evening services back at Wilson Creek.

We were home for a few days before Labor Day. We dug holes for a privacy fence to connect on one side of our house to the neighbor's fence. I don't know how much help I was but the boys sure had fun playing in the holes after they were dug, especially when we put water in the holes. They were both muddy messes but grinning from ear to ear.

Chris went back to work for the remainder of that week but took off early on Friday, Sept. 5 and the family headed to KC. My most wonderfulest sister-in-law helped me pack for vacation and I actually didn't forget anything. We ate dinner with some very fun friends, the Swearengins and hung out in the back yard for a while before heading to our hotel near the airport. Saturday morning we flew out to California. We had a great time. I will be posting a link on my beesonfamily.org website that has pictures and kind of a "what we did" with highlights. You can check it out if you are interested. Hopefully, I'll be able to get to it tonight or tomorrow. It will require help from the computer nerd in the house, so if I can actually remember to ask for help, he'll gladly do it.

We've just now been home 3 days and I haven't caught up on sleep, yet. We went non-stop and the time change also has got me messed up. I do like being home in my own bed with my own pillows, though. Routine for the day is also nice because the children do so much better.

I'm looking forward to going to our church tonight. Out-of-town churches are nice because at least you have somewhere to go but nothing is like your church at home. Your kids are more comfortable and it makes things so much easier.

I joined facebook this week because of a little peer pressure. I don't know how that will go. I'm still learning how to get around and not succeeding at some of the things I've tried to add. I also don't know how it will be having another place to post stuff, but it will be a great place to keep in touch with some friends from around the world. I do enjoy reading posts from the missionaries serving on the field that I have only met once or twice.

So, for now! That's what I have!

Brace Yourself

I'm getting older every day. We all are but I'm going through the experience of a young teenager right now. Since Chris and I have been married there have been many times when I have said I really wanted to get braces. We've discussed it off and on, but I finally did it. It's been a long process of just going through all the consultations and cleanings just to get here. I had to have a periodontal cleaning because it had been so long since I had been to the dentist. We don't have dental insurance. Then, I had to have some teeth bonded because they had been cracked and chipped. I've had a consultation appointment with the dentist and one with the orthodontist. Then, I've had to have like a million pictures taken of my teeth, gums, and X-Rays of all the same things. It's crazy what you go through. Today is the beginning. I got the top braces put on this morning. Of all the things they didn't tell me at my consultation, they forgot to tell me after having a set of braces put on you are on a liquid diet for 24 hours. Well, I didn't eat a good breakfast. I guess that should have just been something I assumed, but I didn't. I was going to have a waffle for breakfast but Eli kept acting hungry so he ate half of it after already eating most of his oatmeal and some pureed fruit. I had half a waffle. That's not much with a small glass of orange juice so as soon as I left the orthodontist I headed straight to McAlister's Deli. I needed a warm bowl of soup. I ate it in the car with no screaming kids. It was great!

My teeth and gums are already getting sore. This will continue for the next 4 days. Headaches will come and go over the next 2+ years and pain will be a tolerance I have to build upon. I don't have to go back for about 10 weeks, so I guess that's good. At some point in the next 6 months, I will also have the pleasure of taking out all my wisdom teeth. Doesn't that sound like fun! I know the end product will be worth it and then I can go back to the dentist to spend more money and have them whitened. That will be a great day! For now, I will endure with the teenagers of today and I will truly know what it feels like when my own children go through this.

Example, Influence

The other day Dylan was playing. He grabbed the step stool and put it next to the bathtub, climbed on the side of the bath tub and then jumped off. Guess who was right there to witness the whole thing? Eli, of course. As soon as Dylan moved out of the way, Eli started to climb up there. He thought he was quite funny. He got up there and was already standing on the side of the bathtub before I could grab him. He's a fast little booger.

I know Eli watches Dylan but that's just one example of the influence Dylan is going to have on Eli's life. It's such a small thing, but one day it might be something big. I have to make sure I've taught Dylan to do right because he may be the only one who can convince Eli to do right in a bad situation.

Growing, Changing, Evolving Questions

Last night my hubbie had to work late, late so I went to my parent's house for dinner. I took the boys with me. We had a great time visiting with Mom and Dad and the boys enjoyed playing outside.

On our way home, Eli fell asleep before we even got a mile down the road. That was just fine with me. He was already in his pajamas. Dylan and I started talking. Just a few miles from my parent's house we saw a police officer on the side of the road with his lights on so that is where our conversation begins.

Why is the police officer on the side of the road?
Probably because he pulled someone over for going to fast?
Well, how does he pull somebody over?
He drives behind you and turns his lights on and you just know you are supposed to pull over?
How do you know you're supposed to pull over?
In the United States of America, the law is...if an officer turns on his lights behind you, you are supposed to pull over to the side of the road?
Are we Americans, Mommy?
Yes!
Why are we Americans?
You are an American because you were born in the United States of America and because your Dad and I are Americans. Your Dad and I are Americans because our parents were Americans.
You weren't born in America, Mommy.
No, I wasn't. Even though I was born in a different country, I am still an American because my parents are Americans.
Were you ever a baby, Mommy?
Yes, I was a baby and then I got older and grew up and had babies of my own. You are one of my babies.
Where was I when you were a baby?
You weren't even thought of when I was a baby. Well, I hadn't thought about you and Daddy hadn't thought about you, but God already thought about you. He knew when you would be born. He knows when you'll die. He knows everything about what you're going to do in your life.
Why does God know all that stuff?
He's God. He knows everything!
Why is he God?
Uh, Uh, Uh, because He just is. He is God.

Then, I didn't know what else to say...so I said let's play a game. And we moved on to a game without another question. Isn't it absolutely amazing how a child's mind works. I don't know about your kids, but that Dylan of mine is always making me think. I love him so much and his questions (usually) make me love him even more.

Is It Just Me?

Over the last few months I have had to ask myself that question so many times. It has come up about dumb things and important things alike. Am I the only one who gets the "I Gotta Get Out of This House" itchies? Am I the only one who feels the need for adult conversation when I've been cooped up with sick kids for more than a couple days? I don't mean, just when the husband comes home either...I mean get out of the house WITHOUT the kids adult conversation. Am I the only one who feels tired at 10:00 in the morning when it's been a hard morning with the kids? Am I the only one who stresses out about getting dinner started by a certain time? Am I the only one who wants to have the house semi-tidy before the husband walks in the door? Am I the only one who...? I could go on and on. Well, I have had that question answered lately. No, I'm not! So many stay-at-home Moms face the same things each day and it's about how we deal with it. My goal is to stop stressing over these things and just try to enjoy each day as it comes. Do you know how hard that is? Well, if you are a stay-at-home Mom with a couple kids running around your feet, I bet you do.

Stomach Curls

Sometimes I wake up in the morning after I have had a dream about someone. Usually it's someone I haven't seen in a while and then I start thinking about them during the day and I know I need to call them. Why does it make my stomach curl? It's like a nervousness! Sometimes I haven't seen the person for years, sometimes it's only been a few weeks, but I don't understand why. Is it a lack of confidence in myself? Is it a worry over what they'll say? Is it my own impressions of how the conversation will go? Do they want to talk to me? Why haven't they called me? Then, I realize...if they don't want to talk to me, it will be obvious. When I call them, I always feel better as the conversation goes on. My friendship is secured, my nervousness ceases.

I had a friend call me today. I have been awaiting news from this friend. I expect this friend will be moving away soon. If not in the next month it will be in the next couple years. The friend asked to meet up so we could talk. My stomach has been curling ever since. It's a nervousness! I'm afraid of how the conversation will go. I know God has a call on their life and God is moving them in a different direction. I know I'll have to try to, once again, maintain a long distance friendship. I'm not looking forward to it, but if there ever were a friend I would want to keep...it would DEFINITELY be this one, even if it were long distance.

Missionary Reunion

What a blessing I received last week to spend the whole week with people who dedicate their lives and their children's lives to the ministry, to God, and to spreading the gospel. I missed last year due to the fact that Eli was 3 weeks old, but am so glad I had the opportunity to attend this year. Yes, we had some stressful times when children didn't want to nap because they weren't in their own bed or because they wanted to stay and play with the other kids when it was bedtime, but it was all worth it.

I met most of the families that were there but had a special connection with one lady imparticular. They are just on deputation but have had 2 different survey trips. They know just what God has planned for their life and they are taking 2 beautiful children with them. I can't imagine the sacrifices they have to make daily and will continue making them into the future. It's neat to see how God is important in different ways to different people and to see the call God has on some lives.

We had great women's sessions in the mornings. A pastor's wife from Oklahoma did the sessions and she did a terrific job. Even though the messages this week from her and her husband were taylored mostly toward missionaries, I felt like they were all just what I needed, as well. I hope I "renewed" some things.

Handy Manny Hangs Up His Screwdriver!

We spent last week at the Annual Missionary Reunion. We had a great time and I got to know a couple missionary wives I had never met. One of them called Eli, "Handy Manny" all week. Eli had started about 6 weeks ago carrying around a screwdriver. He found an orange one in Dylan's toybox and he was instantly attached to it. Everywhere Eli went, the screwdriver went with him. He even took it to bed. One Sunday, I made him leave it in the car when he went into the nursery. When church was over, we went home with my Mom and Dad. His screwdriver was not with us. As soon as we got to Mom's house he found a blue one and was, again, instantly attached. He carried it around the whole time we were there. I didn't let him take it into the nursery and then when we left we got in our own car. He found his orange screwdriver and was happy. He took it to bed and everything was just as usual, until Monday. We were playing in the sunroom and he saw a blue screwdriver in Dylan's toybox and he put down the orange one, picked up the blue one and carried it. At the Missionary Reunion, Eli went even into the nursery with his screwdriver. He never got mad when someone wanted to see it. He just wanted it back when they were done. He never got upset if he lost it, but when he saw it again he would pick it back up. It was kind of funny! However, when we got home Friday afternoon, he threw it down in the living room floor and really hasn't played with it since. It was just a phase, I guess, but certainly a funny one.

Do Elephants Go To Heaven?

Today, the boys and I went to the zoo. It was a last minute decision but everything went great. Earlier this week Dylan told me we hadn't been to the zoo in a long time. We have Zoo Passes so it doesn't cost us any extra if we take our lunch. About 9:30 this morning I decided to go. We packed a lunch, went to the library for storytime, and then headed to the zoo. We arrived around 10:50 and got in quickly. I enjoy watching their reactions to each animal. Eli liked some of the monkeys that were moving around. He was very hesitant around the goats. When we got back to the elephants, Dylan and I started talking about baby elephants and he remembered that the last baby elephant at this zoo had died. So, he asked me if the elephant was in heaven. I said, No...only people can go to heaven. I continued on to say that not all people go to heaven. Only people who believe in Jesus go to heaven. Of course, it's hard to explain the whole truths to him at this time, so I just left it at that. He said, "I believe in Jesus, Mommy". I said, "I know honey, and I'll explain more as you get older."

This is just a sign of what my boys would miss out on if they never went to church, if their parents weren't believers, or if their grandparents weren't faithful Christians and teachers of The Word. For this reason and many others, I am again reminded to be thankful for the opportunity to attend church faithfully and to show my children a Solid foundation.

Eli's 1st Year Highlights

Babysitting

I had the privilege of babysitting two kids of a missionary family. The family is here for Candidate School. They have already been approved to be missionaries and are going to begin deputation to head to the field of Peru. Their kids were well behaved, played well with my children as well as together, ate good and had great attitudes. They have trained them well for the next few hard years of deputation and the many years of people's scrutiny as missionary kids.

Big Boy Bike!

Dylan is learning to ride on a real bike now. It, of course, has training wheels but it's a bike that can eventually just be two wheels and we're very excited for him. He came to me last Friday, one week ago, and said Mom I want to try to ride my big boy bike. We actually had tried earlier in the summer (probably like May) and his feet didn't quite reach the pedal when it was all the way down. Now, he can pedal great. He is still learning and falls occasionally but that's a natural part of learning and he gets back on to try again. That's the important part.

He's Walking!

How cool is that? I've been saying I really wanted Eli to walk by his first birthday. He would take a step here and there but on his birthday he would just get the courage to walk from one side of the room to the other. I'm not saying he's a full-time walker, yet...but he has really taken big strides this week. Earlier I was laying on my bed and he was giggling at himself as he walked from dresser to dresser and then to the bed. He was so proud of himself. His birthday party is Saturday. I'm looking forward to him showing off a little for all the visitors. We've got a big one planned. There will be 40+ with adults and kids counted if everyone is able to make it. I'm glad his birthday is in the summer where we can have an outdoor party. We're even going to roast marshmallows and make s'mores over a fire pit.

Friends

Sometimes it's weird because I have friends I talk to all the time. Some friends I only talk to through e-mail. Some friends I talk to every once in a while over the phone. Other friends, I see all the time. Then, there are friends that I would consider some of my best and we go weeks where we don't see each other or talk and then we go weeks where we see each other 3 or 4 times in the same week. I don't mind not seeing friends but I don't like going long periods without talking. It makes me feel weird. So, when I haven't seen or talked to a friend in a few weeks, those first initial moments are a little weird. It's almost like you have to remember what's happened in the last couple of weeks and pick some key moments that are worth talking about. If you talk often, then you can talk about even the little stuff. I have one friend, I would probably consider the best I've ever had. We're that way. We go weeks where we don't talk, not because one is mad at the other, just because life is busy. When we get together it's like the first few minutes are a little awkward and then we start talking and an hour later we still have more to say. It's great having friends like that. If I go too long without talking to her, though...I have to make up an excuse to call just so we can catch up. I have the fear that some day that friend won't be nearby anymore and we'll have to learn a new way to communicate. It's easy now to just run over to her house or run into each other at the grocery store. But, if she ever moves away we'll both have to adapt to talking on the phone. Although, I'd have to say I do pretty good at communicating via e-mail. We'll see when the time comes although I'm not looking forward to that day. It seems like I've had good or even great friends in my past and with time, they all have disappeared in one way or another. I'm glad I have a husband and more importantly, a heavenly Father, I can always talk to and he'll never go away. That doesn't mean I don't like my girl time, though.

What's Ahead

Next week, Chris has the whole week off work. We have some friends coming in from KY and OH. We're very excited to have them around and hope we can be entertaining enough. It's hard to plan activities for young and old alike that all will enjoy. I think the old people want to sit around for 5 days. The young people don't mind a little of that, but would probably enjoy a little more activity. We'll see what we can get them to do. I'm looking forward to having my husband around for a week but if we don't come up with activities he'll end up working because he can't sit still.

This will be Eli's first July 4th. We're excited to see how he will respond to fireworks. Dylan remembers playing with chicken fireworks last year and how they pooped out different colors. That's what he says he remembers anyway.

I better get moving so Dylan and Eli can have a little time outside before the rain moves in for the day. Have a great weekend!

Glad It's Over

Our Relay for Life was a success. We met and exceeded our financial goal. Our disappointment came when we thought we would be the only team selling smores for the evening but ended up being one of three or one of four. We were the only team allowing you to roast your own marshmallows, but either way it didn't go over as big as we had hoped. Several people joked that we should sell time by our fire because as the night went on, the weather got cooler, and the dew fell making you cold and wet.

I'm going to learn more about the American Cancer Society. This year we did the Relay kind of out of obligation to our family. However, I don't have a problem working hard for a charity and having fun at it. I'm going to find out how the money is spent and I'll get back with you on whether it is a worthy cause.

There were lots of things to do all night long. They had karaoke, volleyball tournaments, tricycle races, balloon toss, egg toss, and lots more. Plus, there was plenty of time to just sit and visit with people that you maybe don't have that opportunity with at other times.

I'm glad it's over just because I felt like I was worrying over it too much, but I did enjoy the evening and I especially enjoyed just hanging out not having to worry about where my kids were or if they were ok. My Dad and Mom took great care of them and the boys had fun.

Big Night!

Tonight is the big night. We have our Relay for Life. I hope to make it all night. That means I will have no sleep or maybe just small winks of sleep until tomorrow morning when we get home around 8:00a.m. I will be so tired. I am thankful my Mom and Dad are willing to keep my boys tonight and take them tomorrow for several hours so I can catch a few winks more.

We're selling s'mores at our tent for $1 each and you get to roast your own marshmallow. We'll be at the Republic Middle School track for any of those who might be interestd in a great dessert or just some fun fellowship. We'll be there all night, literally.

Our team reached its financial goal thanks to many of you. We're very excited about that and everything we make tonight on our silent auction basket and s'mores will be extra. Our silent auction basket should be pretty cool. We have Silver Dollar City tickets, Branson Tracks free ride tickets, and lots of candy, popcorn, and soda. Yes, I said Soda. That's what I call it. Some call it pop. Sometimes when I'm trying to be funny I call it soda pop. That's funny!

Today, I told Dylan I would love to go ride on a cloud some day and he told me I couldn't because they don't have seats. Isn't it funny how 3-year olds think. He's going to have a great time tonight because he gets to run in the biggest circles. If you know Dylan, you know he LOVES to run in circles.

Kids Are Great

I love my boys. Dylan and Eli crack me up daily. Dylan has this beautiful smile and his big blue eyes just shine. He's growing up so fast and he comes up with new things every day. I think, "Where did he get that?" It's so funny to hear him talk to Eli. He says so many of the things we say. He's not just a direct reflection of us, like a mirror, he repeats us. Sometimes, he doesn't even know what he's saying. He loves to ride his tricycle and play in the dirt. His favorite thing to do when we go down to the baseball field is to kick the dirt. He wants to go on a walk all the time which really means ride our bikes and he either wants to go to the park to play on the playground or to the recreation center where he can run in big circles in their gymnasium. He is always asking for cold water and I think that's great. It's summer time and water is a very refreshing, hydrating solution.

Eli is almost a year old. He also has a beautiful smile but he still only has 3 teeth so I'm sure it will only get better. His big blue eyes stick out and swallow you in. He loves to climb everything. We were recently at a friend's shop. Eli had a yucky diaper, so I being the nice friend, decided to take it out back to the dumpster rather than put it in their indoor trash can. I thought my husband would naturally watch Eli but he didn't feel the need so he went off to the restroom. Our friend was taking care of a client. When I got back inside, Eli was 3 steps up on a 6-foot ladder with his foot ready to climb to the 4th step. I ran toward him and all I could see was this huge smile on his face. I stopped behind him to make sure he wouldnt' fall and then waited for Chris to return. After laughing at Eli together, I did have to scold my husband but then we both laughed again because it was just a funny situation. That's Eli! He climbs step-stools all the time. If you can't find him in the house, check Dylan's bed because there is a step-stool in there for him to climb. If he's not there, check the bathroom. There's a step-stool in there and he loves to climb it so he can look at himself in the mirror. If you're outside he is one of two places when he disappears. He's either climbing the steps or getting into the little battery powered car we have. He loves it, also! He's so strong, too. I am, however, ready for him to walk. I'd like him to start walking soon so he can get more coordinated for when we go on vacation. I think he'll be able to enjoy more if he can walk. Plus, if he's still only crawling then I'll have to keep him in pants most of the time to protect his knees and I'd just rather he be able to enjoy shorts weather in California.

All In!

When I commit to something, no matter what else happens, I totally commit to it. I joined a Relay For Life team and I'm not real great at raising money. Most fundraisers, I'd rather just give my own money and move on rather than inconvenience someone else. In this case, I don't have $400 to give. Someone else committed me to that dollar figure and I will try to do my part. Well, my husband came up with $300 of it and then we did a garage sale at our house. With everyone's stuff our total came to be $305 plus then we auctioned off the stuff that didn't sell and made an extra $48. So, I guess I feel like I got close. But, I still want to contribute to make sure our team reaches its financial goal of $3,000. I already told you about the phone calls I was making. Well, I haven't gotten any more cash donations. I did, however, score some show tickets for Branson, get a $25 gift card from Murfin's Market in Willard which I spent on supplies for at least 100 s'mores to sell the night of the Relay, and I got free ride passes at Branson Tracks to put in our silent auction basket. So, if our silent auction goes well and we have everything in there that we're supposed to, our basket will be valued at $200 or more. I know I didn't do it all but I contributed. I will also contribute some of my own money, yes. I will buy some popcorn and peanuts and soda pop for the basket and maybe that will help a little. Plus, when it gets right down to it, I'm hoping we'll sell tons of s'mores. My mind has been consumed with this lately and I'm so ready to get it over so I can concentrate on something else.

We have family friends coming in at the first of July. I'm already starting to work with my sisters-in-law and mom to come up with activites and menu. I've been coordinating and communicating with all parts of the team here and the visiting crew. It's been fun and in a few days I can concentrate completely on it. I'm ALL IN!

With that thought in mind, shouldn't we, as Christians, be ALL IN? Wow! What a thought? We should love God with our whole heart and want to live our lives to the fullest extent where everyone around us knows we are Christians and we represent God's army.

In your life, what are you ALL IN about?

People Not to Do Business With

So, I was calling around looking for some show ticket donations for the Branson area. I called a few local businesses and I honestly don't mind them saying they aren't interested, can't afford it, or already helping someone. I don't mind being told No at all. What I don't like is when people say, "No Way" or they just plain old hang up on you. How rude and unprofessional?! I called the Branson Hotline 417-823-3064. They were one of those extremely rude companies. I called Branson Central Reservations 417-334-4991 and she's the one who actually hung up on me. I wanted to call back and say, "Sorry, we must have been disconnected", but I decided to be the bigger person. I had one guy at "Branson Show Tickets" 417-336-5925 say he was on the other line and he would call me right back. I used a different phone line so he could do that and guess what...he never called me back. He could have just said he wasn't interested or couldn't at this time. I am a very understanding person. I had several people direct me to someone else and then that person directed me to someone else. I think to some it was a game and some they honestly didn't know what to do. I'll even take that better than a business hanging up on me. That's just immature. So, I named the businesses and gave you their phone numbers. Don't do business with them.

As for good companies, I got turned down by several. Price Cutter, Lacey, was extremely cordial. She said they had lots of donation requests and could only take so many. She also said they were corporate sponsors for Relay For Life and appreciated what I was doing. I like those kind of No's. Wal-mart managers I spoke with were very nice and Dixie Stampede was above par. They could not have been nicer.

I've decided that I'm big on reviews. I want to know what other people think about a product or a company. It really helps me decide what to buy and where. So, from now on, those who impress me or don't will get a review. You'll know how I really feel.

Happy Anniversary!

Happy Anniversary to my beloved husband of 9 years. I love you!

Right Between the Eyes

I was sent a devotion today. I enjoy receiving them from someone else. It says to me that "this devotion meant something to them and made them think of me or my family". So, with that I give you the devotion that was sent to me.

Deep Grief
By Lysa TerKeurst

Psalms 30:11 Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;

Sometimes when we lose things it causes a temporary panic that rises and falls in a mini-tidal wave fashion. Like earlier this year when I lost my camera with all our ski vacation pictures on it. The panic escalated, crested with some hand wringing and mind racing, and then slowly ebbed away.

But sometimes a loss cuts into your heart so viciously that it forever redefines who you are and how you think. It’s what I call “deep grief.” The kind that strains against everything you've ever believed. So much so you wonder how the promises that seemed so real on those thin Bible pages yesterday, could possibly stand up under the weight of enormous sadness today.

I once stood at the side of a casket too small to accept. Pink roses draped everywhere. And I watched my mom as she lay across the casket, refusing to let go. How could she let go? Part of her heart laid within, so quiet and so still.

I stood paralyzed. Just days ago we were doing everyday things and assuming that all of our lives stretched before us in spans of many, many years. And then suddenly it all stopped. In the flurry of funeral plans and memorial services we all operated on automatic. People were everywhere. Soft chatter filled in the gaps that our stunned silence could not. And enough food was brought in to feed the whole neighborhood.

But eventually people went back to their own lives. The soft chatter dissipated. The food stopped coming. And we were forced to carry on. Only we had deep grief wrapped about us that made our throats feel strangled and our feet stuck in mud.

I remember I tried to go to McDonalds to order a happy meal. But I couldn't. I sat in the drive-through with the speaker spouting words at me I couldn't process. She kept asking if she could take my order.

Yeah, I had an order. Take away my bloodshot eyes. Take away my desire to hurt the doctors that couldn't save my sister. Take away my anger toward God. And then take away my guilt for being the one that lived. I'll take all that with no onions and extra ketchup, please.

I drove away sobbing. How dare they offer happy meals. No one should be happy today. Or tomorrow. Or next year.

This is the reality of deep grief. Even when you love God and believe in His promises. Even when you know without a doubt that you will see your loved one again. Even when you know hope is still there.

It takes time.

It takes wading through an ocean of tears.

It takes finding a possession of your loved one that you thought was lost, and realizing God did that just to comfort you. It takes discovering one day that the sun still shines. It takes being caught off-guard when you catch yourself smiling… only to realize it's okay.

It takes prayer. It takes making the decision to stop asking for answers and start asking for perspective. It takes telling people to please not avoid saying her name - you want to hear it, over and over again.

Then one day you take off the blanket of deep grief. You fold it neatly and tuck it away. You no longer hate it or resist it. For underneath it, wondrous things have happened. Things that could have only come about when Divine hope intersected with a broken world.

And finally you can see years stretching before you once again. You look up, blow a kiss, wipe a tear and find it's still possible to dance. In light of their own recent loss, may we all keep the family of Steven Curtis and Marybeth Chapman in our prayers for all the time it will take them to shed their deep grief and discover their dance again.

Dear Lord, Thank you for assuring us that your principles and promises hold true even when life seems to betray us. We praise You that Your love reaches to any depth we find ourselves in. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Application Steps:
Is there someone in your life who is grieving right now? Commit to reaching out to them this week.

Reflections:
Death is a reality of life. So, how can you live more intentionally each day with those you love?

Power Verse:
2 Corinthians 1:2-4, “Grace be to you and peace from God our Father, and from the Lord Jesus Christ. Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.” (NIV)

Wow, so that hit me right between the eyes. And, it came at a time where I could accept it. "Thank you, Lord, for bringing people into my life that make me think."

Mild to Wild

So, I'm helping my family out with Relay For Life. We have formed a team and are walking in the Republic Relay at the end of June. We're supposed to be gathering donations and quite frankly I have a hard time asking people for money even when I know it's for a good cause. I would just rather come up with the money on my own. Unfortunately, my cousin committed us to $200 per person. My husband and I are both on the team and I don't have $400 I would like to spend out-of-pocket. So, my husband is asking some companies for a donation. We have two specific companies in mind and we think they will be happy to comply. It's still very difficult to ask. In return for a donation we would like to have a sign made to put around our campsite the night of the Relay so everyone there will know that these companies helped us reach our goal. We are asking the company for a $100 donation. The sign is just going to be a simple one-sided coraplast sign with a metal H stake. I want the sign to look nice but it's not going to be worth $100 because we can't spend all our donation on a sign. So, I started making some phone calls to find out what sign was going to cost me. I first called Payne Sign Company here in Springfield. She was extremely nice but basically each sign will cost $75 and that includes set-up fees. She mentioned I might call a nationally known company and ask them to donate money to make our signs. I appreciated her help and made that phone call but that company I will leave unnamed said they could help in other ways but a cash donation or paying for products was not possible. I thanked them and went about my phone calling. I called 5 other companies. Three companies never called me back. One company quoted me prices but it was still going to cost $38 for a one-sided sign. So, I'd get $100 from the company I asked for a donation and then I'd have to turn around and spend $38. I'd actually only be receiving a donation of $62. Doesn't sound like a good deal. I talked to another company and actually came right out and asked them. What can you do for me? I gave my sob story of having to spend too much of my donation and asked me if they would maybe split the cost. That company agreed to cut the cost in half as long as I would post signs around my campsite with their name on it. Reluctantly, I said ok. Although, I really don't still want to be out-of-pocket $25. I guess, at least, at this point I am keeping 75% of my donation. I stopped calling. I e-mailed all the information to my Team Captain and as I finished the e-mail the phone rang.

Hello...I said. He said, "I'm looking for Stephanie." I said, "That's me". He told me he was from Mild to Wild Graphics. They are located in Republic, MO. I had already talked to that other company so I just simply pretended like I was still making my phone calls. I told him, "My family has put together a Relay For Life team and we are asking for donations from businesses. The businesses that are donating money we would like to do something nice for them in return. We would like to have a 18x24 coraplast sign with their logo on it and maybe something about how they helped us reach our goal. We will stake those around our tent for everyone to see and we want them to look nice because for one sign we are asking for a $100 donation.” He asked me what Relay for Life was for. I told him it was to benefit the American Cancer Society and he said, “How about I donate those signs for you…I’ll do them for Free”. I told him that would be great and asked him to make sure he made a couple signs with his company name on them so we could post them around our campsite, also. He explained how his life has recently been touched by cancer in many ways. We got to talk for several minutes. He is a super nice guy and I'm not just saying that because he donated signs for our team. He was very personal. This is my online plug for him and I will tell anyone who every asks me about signs or car decals or anything else. His website is, http://www.mildtowild.net. Check it out! Make sure if you live in the Republic, Springfield, Battlefield, Willard, Nixa area or anywhere near you contact Alan and he will help you out.

Garmin

If you've never had a Garmin and you travel outside of your normal realm even occasionally, you should consider one. What is a Garmin? It's a little digital map that had the coolest information and all the need-to-know stuff right there.

You type in an address and it leads you step by step, turn by turn, to the front door. You don't know the address, type in the name of the place...just as good. You want something to eat but you don't know your nearby options, just do a search for restaurants. You want to go shopping but you are in an unfamiliar area, just searching for shopping. You want to find a mall look for shopping center. You want to make a phone call to a local place but you don't know the number, just look it up. I have a Garmin Nuvi 360 with Bluetooth so it connects to my phone. I can just click on dial and talk right to the Garmin. It's great!

I don't know where we would have been without Garmin this weekend. We used it so many times. Well, as a matter of fact we used it for every single place we wanted to go. We wanted to find a Chili's, but not just any Chili's we wanted one near our hotel. It found one within 4 miles for us. Another time we wanted a Quizno's it took us to the closest one to our current route. We hit traffic one time and just clicked on Detour and it took us a different way.

We are totally unfamiliar with St. Louis and would have been staring at maps for hours. We would have eaten at restaurants that we didn't have coupons or gift cards for and it would have cost us more. We would have been driving around in circles and spent more in gas. The Garmin was one of the greatest things that happened for a traveling crew.

We're going to CA in a few months and believe me, it will be one of the first things to get packed.

Weekend

How was your weekend? Mine was great. I get to spend 3 days with my most favorite boys. We left Friday afternoon headed for St. Louis. We got to St. Louis in time for a late dinner. Eli did really well in the car even when I knew he was probably getting hungry. We had been given a gift card to Chili's so we typed it in on the Garmin and within 4 miles of our hotel, we found one. We paid $9 and we all ate very well. It was one of the best, hot, $9 meals I have had in a long time. When we finished eating we headed to the hotel, got checked in and went down to the indoor swimming pool. Chris and Dylan had a great time. It was a little too cool for Eli and I so I took him back upstairs to our room and let him play in the bath. He had much more fun with that. Of course, when Dylan got there he wanted to play in the bath, too. It was a full house in such a small tub. We're used to the big whirlpoool jetted tub for bathtime. Kids are easily adjusted, though. Friday night sleep was a bit of a challenge. We were all in one room and it was unfamiliar territory for Eli so it took a while of crying before he finally settled. Dylan had a runny nose and couldn't get comfortable so he tossed and turned until 1 or 2 in the morning.

Rise and shine at 7 am. We got ready, went downstairs to eat breakfast, and headed off to the zoo. We found a free parking lot just across the bridge from the zoo entrance. Zoo parking is $10 and people must start showing up at 8 in the morning to get a good street side parking spot. We probably drove 1/2 mile down the road from the zoo looking for a good parking spot against the curb. When we turned around and headed back we spotted the Turtle Park and went over there. We didn't see any charges listed so we parked. It was actually closer than most of the curb-side parking. We had to wait in line to get our Safari Pass. If you are a Dickerson Park Zoo member you get a Safari Pass for half-price. It's totally worth it. We got to ride the train which is normally $4 per person. We rode the Conservation Carousel which is typically $2 per person. We got to go in the Children's Zoo and I don't know what the cost is for that. We also went to the Sea Lion Show and I'm unsure of that cost. We paid only $5 for the Safari Pass so it was definitely a money saver. Zoo entrance is free which is really cool. They have a very nice zoo and lots of walking paths with beautiful scenery. It's done very well. I think my favorite exhibit was probably the penguins. They are in this artic area which is very cold but when the penguins are swimming in the water you are literally so close you could reach out and touch them (if you were allowed). There were so many of them and we got to see them interacting and playing and swimming. Very cool exhibit. We also got to see the polar bear. He was outside which surprised me because I expected him to be in the artic area, also. He was up roaming back and forth but he didn't have anyone to play with and I'm not sure if he had any toys. The chimpanzees were also cool! They were running and playing and their environment looked so natural. They had one that looked funny because they had shaved all his hair. I don't know if it was health reasons or if he was old, but it looked interesting. Eli did really great. I thought he would get tired and cranky but he didn't. He whined once or twice and we gave him his pacifier but he didn't really want it. I could tell he was wearing out and so I laid back the stroller and by 1:45p.m. he just passed out in it. We left about 30 minutes later and he slept all the way back to the hotel. Then, Chris magically got him back to sleep in the hotel room and we all took a nap. We got the boys up around 4:45p.m. and headed down to "The Hill". We had been told this was a version of Little Italy and we both love pasta.

We had been told Zia's was a great restaurant. We got there at 5:20 and it took us about 10 minutes to find a parking spot and walk back 2 blocks to the restaurant. She told us it would be about 30 minutes. That was doable. Eli would be hungry but we thought we could hold him off until that time. At 6:15 we went back in to tind out how much longer and she said they still had a few small tables in front of us. A few minutes later they called a party of 10 and then a party of 5. They weren't small groups by any means. Well, if you know me I started to get a little impatient. I was holding a 20 pound baby and there was nowhere to put him down. Chris was entertaining Dylan because it's really hard for a 3-year old to have to stand in a small spot for an hour. We got called at about 6:45 and headed back to our table. Well, by this time I probably had high blood pressure. I was thinking...if they would have said an hour we may not have stayed but if we did at least I would have been more prepared. Instead they said 30 minutes and it took 1 hour and 15 minutes. Crazy?! So, we get seated and our waiter is so busy he doesn't even bring us water for about 7 minutes. I'm a little hot under the collar. Dylan is by this time actually complaining about being hugnry and I'm sure the waiter is going to bring us some bread to snack on with our water so we can at least get some sort of nourishment. No! He brings us water and takes our appetizer order. Then, with our appetizer he brings out a loaf of bread. Now we can eat our appetizer so the bread isn't as important. But then we taste the toasted ravioli. Our bellies are quenched. It's so good! We start to relax and finally take off our jackets. We start to talk and laugh and then we actually got to enjoy the rest of our dinner there. It kind of ruined the evening though because we wanted to go walk around by the arch and stuff but since it was so dark we didn't see much. Dylan at least go to see what we were talking about. He really wants to go back so we can go up in it. At least, he says he does. I don't know how he would actually do once we stuck him in the little cart and it was close quarters. I guess we'll see when he's a little older.

Sunday was rainy, cold, wet, and extra windy. We took our time getting around in the morning and let the boys play in the room for a while. Around 9:30 we checked out and headed to Union Station. For a tourist attraction there isn't much there. We paid $2 for parking and that was too much if you ask me. There are no good shops in there and very few people. I was not impressed. I had been there before and I guess I had forgotten how lame it was. We left there for The Galleria. It's a big shopping mall. They are doing renovations to it but had covered the construction on the inside very well. We had a good time just cruising around the mall. We ate a quick lunch at a nearby Quizno's (thanks to our Garmin) and then went to the Science Center. I have been there a few times before and enjoyed myself but it's not a real great attraction for 3-year olds. Dylan was not impressed. He got to build a few things in one area and play a computer game in another place but I honestly think his favorite part was going to the Omnimax waiting area where no one was and he had plenty of room to run in circles. That was probably the highlight of his day. It had stopped raining by that time but still remained cold. We thought we would cruise by Grant's Farm on the way out of town and let Dylan see the Clydesdale horses. He couldn't see them very well in his car seat from the road and they had closed early due to the weather so that will be something we have to go back for some other time.

So, how was our hotel? We booked a Comfort Inn & Suites in Hazelwood, MO. It's about 10 miles from Forest Park. It's right off the highway so it's easy to get in and out. The rooms were very clean, service was great, and the continental breakfast was everything you could ask for. For breakfast, they had waffle mix and a waffle maker. You could pour in your own batter and cook them. Deliciouso! They also had boiled eggs, cereal, toast, danishes, muffins, bagels, apples, oranges, bananas, yogurt, and oatmeal. They had a couple different kinds of coffee, apple juice, orange juice, milk, and water. There were plenty of choices and for it to be included in the price...I have zero complaints. They kept the dining area very clean and while you were eating breakfast there was someone re-stocking the food and cleaning up after everyone. I have not had a bad experience with the Comfort Inn & Suites I have stayed in and I believe this is the 2nd or 3rd one.

I guess that pretty much sums it up. For an inexpensive weekend, we had a great one and the best part was we were all together.

Cold Rain

I've been doing some staining yesterday and today. Our cedar pillars and cedar garage entry needed a little upgrade. We've had the stain in the garage for quite some time and I just hadn't broke it out. Yesterday, the weather was just beautiful. We went out in the morning. I got up and took a shower and did a couple loads of laundry and vacuumed the house before we headed outdoors. I got out the ladder and stain and got both pillars to the front entry finished. I think they need a little water sealant and it will last longer than before. I swept off the driveway and mowed the yard, cleaned off the lawn mower, swept out the garage, and came back inside. I finished up the last load of laundry and cooked dinner all so I could have a relaxing evening. After dinner was cleaned up I didn't have anything to do except get the boys baths before bed.

Today, it looked like it could rain any minute. I started a load of laundry and got us all ready for the day and just decided we would go out no matter what and when or if it started raining we would come back inside. I got out the ladder and started to tape off the garage. I got a little over 3/4 of it done and ran out of tape so I just decided to start staining. I barely even got half way down the first side and it started sprinkling. Within minutes it was pouring but as long as I stayed up on the ladder, I didn't get wet, nor did my stain. So, I just kept working. I actually got a little cold by the time I finished with the first side. I came in and took a hot shower and then laid down in the floor to watch a little TV with Dylan. That was my warmer. There's nothing like lying on the floor next to your child and having them lean over into your ear to tell you secrets while watching TV. What fun! We ate lunch together and then played with trains before doing a little learning time and then I raced him to bed for naptime. They are both asleep now and I should be fixing dinner. I have to wake up Dylan in just a few minutes so I better get to it. It's only Tuesday and I am already looking forward to the weekend.

Whirlwind Week!

This has just been a busy whirlwind week. We had a birthday party last Saturday. We had a lunch between church services on Sunday. Eli's doctor appointment and some errands on Tuesday morning. Republic Kindergarten musical on Tuesday night and a family dinner to follow. Church was on Wednesday evening as usual. Thursday was pictures for Eli and some more errands in town. Thursday night we went to visit Jerry. This morning we had to run to Wal-mart to get groceries for all this weekend stuff and we have Emma Rosie's birthday party tonight. Tomorrow the boys are going to see Monster Trucks while I go to our church Spring Banquet and maybe, just maybe tomorrow evening we'll have a free night to hang out as a family. Then, it starts all over. Sunday afternoon between services we have a family dinner with Chris's side. After evening services we're getting together with some friends. Monday night and Tuesday night look mostly clear. Wednesday night is church. Thursday night is Friends of the Zoo night with hot dogs and chips. Friday night we leave for St. Louis and we'll be gone until Sunday night. It's summer schedule already and it's not even summer. How crazy is this? Keeping busy does make the time pass and keeps your mind busy on the task at hand. I guess, for now, that's good!

Go Away Rain

It has been a beautiful week and Dylan has got to play outside the majority of every day until today. It rained all night last night and a little early this morning so "his dirt" was mud. He went outside for a short period of time but the wind was blowing making it kind of cold and the mud isn't as much fun to dig in because it sticks to your fingers. Dry dirt is way better. His shoes he was wearing have about an inch of mud caked on the bottom and it made it hard to walk, so no fun!

Eli is teething today. He's running a slight fever and tooth #2 on the bottom is coming in. I do feel sorry for him, but I don't enjoy him whining all the time. I am sure it doesn't feel good, though so I'll try to be sympathetic.

I have very little motivation today. I got a couple loads of laundry done and I really need to iron. I think that's one of my least favorite chores and I put it off until it absolutely has to be done. Well, I'm there and I just can't bring myself to do it. I'd almost be willing to pay someone to do it if I wasn't so stingy with my money.

Hard Hurt

Friday will be officially a month since Janet’s passing. I keep thinking it’s going to get easier and some days are better than others, but today was not. I took Dylan by Wal-mart where she worked for 23 years and talked with her best friend. Then, we went down and visited Janet’s work area. Dylan and I had some errands to run in Republic. That was where she worked. We used to go up there and go to lunch with her and her best friend. I did a few things and then went by the Meat Locker. Janet used to pick it up for me a lot of the time. I always have bought ground beef, steaks, and bologna from there since I married Chris because that’s where they always got their meat. It was hard for me to go in there. I’d been there a few times myself but I knew she was always the one who did it for me so it brought back lots of memories. Then, tonight was the kicker. We went over to visit Jerry as we do every few days. Jerry is Chris’s step-dad. He was standing at the gate looking out on their field. Janet used to take Dylan out there all the time to look at their horse, Bobby. Bobby died in the middle of the winter. I think the thing that put me over the top tonight was when the train came. They live right across the street from the train tracks. When a train comes, Janet would always take Dylan over to the steps on the side of the house. She would put Dylan up on the rail around the porch and point at the train. About the time I hoisted him up, I realized what I was doing and fell apart. I regained my composure quickly and put Dylan down and then left so I could gather myself more. We left shortly thereafter and I cried almost the whole way home. It’s so hard to go over there, to go in the house and she’s not there. I’m ready to stop crying so much. I don’t want to forget her. I just want it to stop hurting so much.

Dylan & Nana's Dollar General

This morning I was getting Dylan out of the bath and I told him we were going to get ready to go. He asked where we were going. I said Dollar General and the Library. He said are we going to our Dollar General. I said, Yes. He said, "Nana that's up in heaven took me to that Dollar General before." I asked why she took him there and he said, "She bought me squirt guns." I remembered and told him that was really cool and then reminded him about what he got to do at her house that day with the squirt guns and how much fun he had playing in the water. This was in the middle of last summer. He remembered something on his own about his Nana that is almost a year ago. How cool!

All About the Kids

Eli has been crawling for a couple months now and he started pulling up within a week. About 2 weeks ago he started cruising around coffee tables and anything he could move around. This weekend he started letting go of things and trying to stand on his own. It usually doesn’t last long, but he’s trying. He turned 9 months old last Monday. I can’t believe how big he is getting. He likes to play with doors of any kind. He opens and closes them constantly. Sometimes he gets mad when he closes the bathroom door and can’t get out. It’s kind of funny!

Dylan gets smarter every day. He talks non-stop and is so excited when we get a warm day so he can play outside. He remembers things I told him months ago and never forgets when he’s supposed to get a piece of gum or candy. He is helpful when I’m working around the house. He now has chores to do. He has to take out the bathroom and laundry room trash once a week. He has to dust his dresser once every two weeks. He has to pick up his toys in the sunroom before he goes to bed. He also has to help with other odd and end jobs that he’s capable of doing. He’s been helping his Dad water plants and he’ll probably start helping Chris mow since it’s already getting that time of year.

Diaper Change Disaster

So, I'm changing Eli's diaper the other day. I lay him down on the table. I take off his pants and diaper. I get him all cleaned up and then realize he might be running a bit of a fever. As I'm trying to get the thermometer he pees all over me and the table. I finally get that cleaned up and grab the thermometer. About the time I start to put it in, he poops a runny mess. I start to clean it up and just about finish we he spits up. I clean up the spit up and then he starts to gag on some phlegm. I sit him up to help him get it taken care of and get that mess cleaned up. I finally got to take his temperature which was 102.7 at the time. We got the diaper back on and our day continued as days do with kids who don't feel well!

My Visions

I know in the Bible God says, My thoughts are not your thoughts and neither are my ways, yours. Isn't that the truth. The whole time my mother-in-law was in the hospital I just could never imagine or envision or wrap my brain around the possibility that she might not come home. I kept thinking she'd be ok, everything would be ok and she'd be at Eli's birthday party with a hat on and a bald head. That was my vision, not God's. Since I couldn't imagine it as a possibility I just kept thinking it wouldn't happen. It's so weird. Just a few weeks ago we were sitting in her living room floor listening to her talk about the diagnosis and watching Jerry make phone calls to the family. Jerry kept saying, "She says she's going to beat this thing". We all thought she would. You look at statistics and you just imagine your family is going to be on the good side. They are going to be part of that % that survive. That's just how you have to think. My brain still isn't fully comprehending that she's gone. Everything is so different now.

Weekend Plans

Tonight Chris is taking Dylan to a Springfield Cardinals game. Dylan just likes going to see Louie. They are going with Uncle Trent, Aunt Wendy, Canyon, and Uncle Kerry. This last week is Dylan's first experience getting to know Uncle Kerry. He really likes him, too. They have all-you-can-eat tickets which means they get to stuff themselves on hot dogs, bratwurst, nachos, and other fattening stuff like that.

Eli and I have been invited to Nana's house. We're going to eat spaghetti. Well, I'm going to eat spaghetti and Eli is going to wish he could. He'll probably get to eat some carrots.

Tomorrow, the boys and I are going to Kite Day at church. I hope the weather is nice. Dylan will have fun flying kites. All he wants to know is, "Is Aunt Cole going to be there?" He likes our family on both sides and I'm really glad he gets to grow up around so much family.

Something to Think About

Here's a question my friend was recently asked. It's made me think. I'll get back with you later on my answer.

"Why are you a Christian?"

Laugh, Again!

Although my husband probably doesn't want to talk about this, he actually made a joke the night before last. Then, we saw something on TV and it made us both laugh really good. It's been a while. Last night, during church he had the hiccups and he made another joke. We're on the road to recovery. Recovery doesn't have to mean we forget. It just means we move on with our life in light of the past. We're looking forward but still remembering the past.

Interesting (for lack of better word)

What's interesting to me is that when a funeral is over I've always got to go home and within a day or two things return to normal. You never forget and maybe sometimes your mind is drawn to that person, but you continue on. The family doesn't get to do that for a while. They have to look at the plants and flowers. They have Thank Yous to write. They have all the personal belongings to go through. They have holidays and birthdays to endure without that special person. Our youngest son turns 1 in July. His Nana would be so proud. He's going to be walking by then. He's going to be the one that digs in the cake like you always wanted. His big blue eyes are going to light up when he realizes he gets to feel real food with his own two hands. He's going to have teeth soon. We're going to miss her so much! We're going to make sure our boys know who their Nana was and that she loved them. Her grandkids were very special to her.

Questions

Your kids will ask questions you never expected. You better be prepared. Here are some of our most recent asked questions.
Where's Jesus?
I can't see heaven, where is it?
How do we get to heaven? (remember you're talking to a 3-yr old)
Can we invite Jesus to my birthday party?
Can we go visit Jesus some time?
Why can't Nana just come back to life like Jesus did?
Why won't Jesus bring Nana back to life?
What's that? (sometimes you don't want to answer that question)
Who made God?
Why did God make me like this?
Who am I going to marry when I grow up?
What are you talking about? (sometimes I really don't want to answer that question)

Are you prepared to answer some of those questions? I wasn't, but with time I am learning to be prepared for anything. Although, they still catch me off guard, I can usually think about it for a few seconds and come up with a satisfying answer for both he and me.

Funny Story

Eli was crawling around and he had his pacifier in his mouth. He had lost his pacifier under the table and was chasing Dylan around. He saw his pacifier under the table and started to crawl for it. Dylan saw it at the same time and, of course, made it there first. He grabbed the pacifier up and put it on top of the table. There's no way Eli could get it then. Eli didn't whine he just kept playing and as soon as Dylan left him alone he crawled over to his car seat. I always keep an extra pacifier in the car seat for when we are traveling. Eli pulled up on the car seat and grabbed the pacifier out. He started sucking on the pacifier and then he turned around and gave me the biggest smile. It was like he knew what he was doing. How cute!

Regret, Loss, Time Too Soon!

Janet passed away on Tuesday, March 25, 2008. This was three weeks to the day of her diagnosis. She's just Janet to other people. To her family she was Mom, wife, sister, daughter, mother-in-law. That was what she was for me, my mother-in-law. She was a great one. Graveside services were held Friday. Everyone went home and life goes back to normal for most. For some of us, family and close friends, life will never be the same. What a way to start out the year? I told my Mom on Friday, "I've been to this cemetary twice in the last six months and I don't want to come back for a long time." This was the hardest funeral I have endured. I have had grandparents pass but I was not as close or familiar with them as I was with my mother-in-law. Chris and I will be married 9 years in June and dated a year before that. We visited her regularly and she was our most used babysitter.

I keep thinking I'm going to wake up from this awful dream but I know it's reality. Our world, our family, is forever changed. I know as a Christian, in my mind, this was God's will. I know, in my mind, timing was perfect. I know, in my mind, there was a reason. I'm just having a hard time feeling that in my heart. People say to read certain scriptures and they will help bring you peace. Maybe they will in time. Right now, there are too many questions, too much pain, and my heart is NOT at peace.

Everyone keeps saying, "How are you doing?, How are you feeling?" You know what I feel? Right now I just feel pain and regret. I regret I didn't tell her I loved her every chance I had. I regret I didn't call her every single day she was in the hospital. I regret I didn't tell her how much she meatn to me. I regret my kids will never know how great their Nana was. I regret that my husband lost his mother, his friend, his confidant. I regret I didn't tell her what a great job she did raising her son, the man I love. I regret I didn't talk to her more the day I spent with her at the hospital. I regret tat I feel bad for crying when I really want to. I regret that I feel like I need to be strong for my kids. Should they see some vulnerability in me. I regret I didn't help out more when she had knee surgery. I regret that she didn't feel like she could call on me. I regret not having more pictures of her. I regret not having more pictures of her with my kids. I regret that I never shared my testimony with her.

I wish I had all the right things to say. I wish I could say or do something to make my husband feel better. I want this sad feeling, this hole in my heart, this pain in my stomach, this knot in my throat, to go away. Yet, I don't ever want to forget her. I want a full night of rest to be normal, again. I want not to have to be near Kleenex all the time. I want to be able to listen to the radio without crying over every sad song I hear. I want to be able to talk to my husband again about happy things without the underlying sad tone. I want not to feel bad for trying to make a joke or laughing when I'm supposed to be sad. I want my kids to know their Nana loved them.

I'm starting to analyze my life. Through every circumstance God is teaching in our lives. He is helping shape and mold us. I just wish I didn't need this lesson right now.

They say every day gets easier. I'm ready for that but not getting their fast enough. I go to the house and in the back of my mind hope that she'll step out of the back room with her contagious smile and say, Hello Steph. It's not going to happen I know. When the phone rings, I want it to be her. I want to ask her how she's doing and tell her I love her. I want to tell her how much I'll miss her when she's gone.

I say she was too young. We are too young. Our kids are too young. I didn't get to say Goodbye. I didn't realize her last 3 weeks were going to be her last 3 weeks. The Bible says, "It is appointed unto man once to die..." It also says your life is like a vapor. We don't realize how quickly someone can be gone until it's someone close. I used to hear all the time, "Tell them you love them every time because you never know which time will be the LAST time." People say, "Tell your loved ones how you feel because if you don't you might regret it when they're gone." How true?!

How do I feel? I feel at a loss. I am at a loss for words in answering that question.