Hard Hurt

Friday will be officially a month since Janet’s passing. I keep thinking it’s going to get easier and some days are better than others, but today was not. I took Dylan by Wal-mart where she worked for 23 years and talked with her best friend. Then, we went down and visited Janet’s work area. Dylan and I had some errands to run in Republic. That was where she worked. We used to go up there and go to lunch with her and her best friend. I did a few things and then went by the Meat Locker. Janet used to pick it up for me a lot of the time. I always have bought ground beef, steaks, and bologna from there since I married Chris because that’s where they always got their meat. It was hard for me to go in there. I’d been there a few times myself but I knew she was always the one who did it for me so it brought back lots of memories. Then, tonight was the kicker. We went over to visit Jerry as we do every few days. Jerry is Chris’s step-dad. He was standing at the gate looking out on their field. Janet used to take Dylan out there all the time to look at their horse, Bobby. Bobby died in the middle of the winter. I think the thing that put me over the top tonight was when the train came. They live right across the street from the train tracks. When a train comes, Janet would always take Dylan over to the steps on the side of the house. She would put Dylan up on the rail around the porch and point at the train. About the time I hoisted him up, I realized what I was doing and fell apart. I regained my composure quickly and put Dylan down and then left so I could gather myself more. We left shortly thereafter and I cried almost the whole way home. It’s so hard to go over there, to go in the house and she’s not there. I’m ready to stop crying so much. I don’t want to forget her. I just want it to stop hurting so much.