Regret, Loss, Time Too Soon!

Janet passed away on Tuesday, March 25, 2008. This was three weeks to the day of her diagnosis. She's just Janet to other people. To her family she was Mom, wife, sister, daughter, mother-in-law. That was what she was for me, my mother-in-law. She was a great one. Graveside services were held Friday. Everyone went home and life goes back to normal for most. For some of us, family and close friends, life will never be the same. What a way to start out the year? I told my Mom on Friday, "I've been to this cemetary twice in the last six months and I don't want to come back for a long time." This was the hardest funeral I have endured. I have had grandparents pass but I was not as close or familiar with them as I was with my mother-in-law. Chris and I will be married 9 years in June and dated a year before that. We visited her regularly and she was our most used babysitter.

I keep thinking I'm going to wake up from this awful dream but I know it's reality. Our world, our family, is forever changed. I know as a Christian, in my mind, this was God's will. I know, in my mind, timing was perfect. I know, in my mind, there was a reason. I'm just having a hard time feeling that in my heart. People say to read certain scriptures and they will help bring you peace. Maybe they will in time. Right now, there are too many questions, too much pain, and my heart is NOT at peace.

Everyone keeps saying, "How are you doing?, How are you feeling?" You know what I feel? Right now I just feel pain and regret. I regret I didn't tell her I loved her every chance I had. I regret I didn't call her every single day she was in the hospital. I regret I didn't tell her how much she meatn to me. I regret my kids will never know how great their Nana was. I regret that my husband lost his mother, his friend, his confidant. I regret I didn't tell her what a great job she did raising her son, the man I love. I regret I didn't talk to her more the day I spent with her at the hospital. I regret tat I feel bad for crying when I really want to. I regret that I feel like I need to be strong for my kids. Should they see some vulnerability in me. I regret I didn't help out more when she had knee surgery. I regret that she didn't feel like she could call on me. I regret not having more pictures of her. I regret not having more pictures of her with my kids. I regret that I never shared my testimony with her.

I wish I had all the right things to say. I wish I could say or do something to make my husband feel better. I want this sad feeling, this hole in my heart, this pain in my stomach, this knot in my throat, to go away. Yet, I don't ever want to forget her. I want a full night of rest to be normal, again. I want not to have to be near Kleenex all the time. I want to be able to listen to the radio without crying over every sad song I hear. I want to be able to talk to my husband again about happy things without the underlying sad tone. I want not to feel bad for trying to make a joke or laughing when I'm supposed to be sad. I want my kids to know their Nana loved them.

I'm starting to analyze my life. Through every circumstance God is teaching in our lives. He is helping shape and mold us. I just wish I didn't need this lesson right now.

They say every day gets easier. I'm ready for that but not getting their fast enough. I go to the house and in the back of my mind hope that she'll step out of the back room with her contagious smile and say, Hello Steph. It's not going to happen I know. When the phone rings, I want it to be her. I want to ask her how she's doing and tell her I love her. I want to tell her how much I'll miss her when she's gone.

I say she was too young. We are too young. Our kids are too young. I didn't get to say Goodbye. I didn't realize her last 3 weeks were going to be her last 3 weeks. The Bible says, "It is appointed unto man once to die..." It also says your life is like a vapor. We don't realize how quickly someone can be gone until it's someone close. I used to hear all the time, "Tell them you love them every time because you never know which time will be the LAST time." People say, "Tell your loved ones how you feel because if you don't you might regret it when they're gone." How true?!

How do I feel? I feel at a loss. I am at a loss for words in answering that question.

Privilege

I have the privilege of being at the hospital with my mother-in-law today. Grandma has an appointment and Jerry needed to go home for a few hours. He stayed the night last night. She officially had the last of the first dose of chemotherapy yesterday. At this time there are no new cancer cells developing. She does not need any blood transfusions or platelets at this time, either. Those are both good news. She is, however, running a fever and that is of concern for the doctor. They will put her on a second antibiotic and hope the fever comes down. If it does not, they will call in a disease specialist to see if he can help. They have yet to come in and add the second antibiotic. I'm sure it will take some time to put in the order, get the medicine up here, and then have a nurse come put it in. They will do another biopsy on Friday just like the last one. They will cut off part of the hip bone and take some bone marrow. We will find out by Monday how well the chemotherapy worked. If it worked, the cancer cells should be killed off and retreating. She would be at that time, considered, in remission. She will spend another 2 1/2 weeks in the hospital for precaution and monitoring. Then, she will be allowed to go home for a period of time. They will, again readmit her to the hospital for a second treatment which will be given in 3 hour doses every 12 hours for 7 days. They will allow her to recoup and then decide when and how the 3rd treatment will occur. She will probably start losing her hair in the next few days and she will be very tired for the next week or so.

I am just sitting here typing on the computer while she rests. I haven't been able to do much for her. Two of her granddaughters colored some flowers and made her some paper flowers. She isn't allowed to have real flowers in the room because they might carry or grow germs. So, I pinned the pictures to her curtain. They are very colorful and gave her a smile this morning.

I haven't been able to come in and see her much. Eli isn't allowed in the room because he is so young and is still receiving his immunizations. Since they are a live virus it wouldn't be in her best interest to be around him while she has no immune system. That leaves me hanging out in the library or visiting room most of the time.

Well, Grandma just showed up. That means my time is up. Catch up with you later.

Admitted

Monday afternoon at 4:30p.m. the Oncologist called and said, “Be at the hospital at 6:00p.m. tonight and you will be here for a minimum of 30 days.” We all went to be with her for admittance and waited around for the doctor to come in and talk. Chris asked what the rush was and if things were going to be ok. The doctor said the best chemotherapy treatment for leukemia is this 30-day in hospital treatment. Chris’s Mom’s paperwork had gotten into the wrong stack of paperwork and when the doctor found it she wanted her admitted and the treatment started as soon as possible to ensure the best chances for survival. The hospital got her IV hooked up and all the paperwork stuff done Monday night as well as the visit with the doctor. Tuesday morning they hooked up a pick line and a port. The pick line and port is where all her medicines come into her body, where they can draw blood on a daily basis, where they can put CT Scan fluid in, and just everything. It minimizes how many times they have to stick you. Tuesday late morning she started receiving massive doses of potassium and she received her first Chemotherapy bag Tuesday afternoon. Wednesday morning the doctor came in to give her what they call a “Push Dose”. It’s where the doctor actually puts a syringe in and pushes a full dose of chemotherapy into her body while she’s there and they do it in a very short period of time. It is a massive dose. She will receive Chemotherapy non-stop until next Tuesday night. Next Wednesday morning they will do a biopsy to find out how her body is responding to the treatment. They want to find out if the chemotherapy is having an effect on the leukemia. Within 7 days of the beginning of treatment, if things go well, she should start the beginning stages of remission.

Better News

We heard back from the doctor today about my mother-in-law's biopsy. She does have leukemia but it is cureable, or so they say. That's good! He says it is a hungry cancer which is good because it will eat up all the chemotherapy treatments in turn killing itself. She has had cancer for about 5 weeks now according to the biopsy. I guess if there if you could choose the kind of leukemia to have, this is the best option. The spcialist should be calling this afternoon to set up treatments.

Geotrax

I love Geotrax and I am on my way to meet a guy about possibly purchasing more. What is Geotrax? They are plastic train track pieces, including all sorts of train stops, depots, bridges, tunnels, and so much more. I can spend hours designing and playing with a track. How old am I? Well, we won't go there but I am a Mom of two beautiful boys and the oldest loves that I like to play with his toys, too. If you are ever in doubt about whether your train lover or engineer might enjoy Geotrax, don't hesitate and maybe you'll have a little fun, too.

Diagnosed

Yesterday, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. It is a fast growing cancer of the blood and bone marrow. She is doing a biopsy today to determine the spread and treatment levels. This will be an ongoing battle of chemotherapy vs. cancer cells for at least the next 6 months. Keep her, especially, in your prayers as well as the rest of the family.

For more information, paste the following link into your address bar:
www.marrow.org/PATIENT/Undrstnd_Disease_Treat/Lrn_about_Disease/AML/index.html

Pulling Up

Eli started crawling February 22nd. That's a Friday. The following Monday he would crawl to my legs and try to push his arms down and straighten his legs as if to try standing. Officially, Monday of this week he started pulling up on everything he can get his hands on. Sometimes it falls over with him. How cute it is to see his big smile when he succeeds. He even likes to test the limits and hold on with only one hand. Too cute!

God's Little Hints

As a parent sometimes we do funny little things for our kids. When they are crawling around on the floor, we drop something in their way that we know they'll enjoy playing with. If they are headed for something dangerous, sometimes we just pick it up and move it out of the way. Sometimes, we leave it there and tell them "No" to see what their reaction is.

Isn't God just that way. He puts things in our path for enjoyment. He moves things out of the way that might cause us to stumble and then sometimes he leaves it just to see what we do.

The End

Last year my Dad turned 58. At least, that's how old I think he is. When his birthday came around I found myself thinking about age. When you are young in life thinking about death isn't something you do often. I'm not talking about my death, but now I am getting to the age where grandparents and parents are getting older. Maybe they are having health problems or maybe they aren't. Either way, as you get older you have the, unfortunate, death factor.

My father's Dad passed away when my Dad was only 18 years old. We lived in Germany and I knew of my other grandparents but never had the opportunity to develop a close relationship. My grandmother (Mom's mom) passed when I was 12, I think. My grandfather (Mom's dad) passed away just 2 years after I got married. I have one living grandmother (Dad's mom) who is an assisted living home doing some rehabilitation with the hopes of going home in a few weeks. All of that to basically say, I was young and didn't maybe fully understand. But now a realization of immortality has arisen.

At the end of October, our church gets together for a Fall Festival. It's an alternative to allow the kids of our church and their friends to get candy without having to dress up or go out and trick-or-treat. We were sitting in the middle of devotion when my husband's phone rang. I knew it wasn't good by the look on his face. He headed to the back of the chairs and then when he came back he said we needed to go. I had overheard part of the conversation so I had come to my own conclusions. Chris's step-Grandfather had passed away. He had heart bypass surgery 8 years prior and had never been in great health since then but there wasn't any specific problems. He had sat down in his chair to watch some TV. When Grandma called for him, he didn't answer. He had gone on to heaven even though his body was still there. Grandpa was a Christian. He was saved at a young age and attended, faithfully, Macedonia Baptist Church. What a night for Grandma that must have been. She called the hospital but they wouldn't come pick him up because he had already passed. She was waiting on a coroner which took nearly 3 hours. He just sat in his chair. Family came over to help her, but there he sat. I believe he was 80 something. We saw him a few times a year but not often. He was a nice man and enjoyable to talk to and we miss him, especially at holidays.

We are all going to die. The Bible says, "It is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgement." The word "but" is followed by the more important part of the statement. Anytime you say "but" you are actually saying the most important part of what I'm about to tell you is... So, after death is the judgement. Are you ready for the judgement? We may not live to be 80, it may be 25 or 30 or 50. You never know. What if today is the day? Where will you go? There is a real heaven and a real hell.