Janet passed away on Tuesday, March 25, 2008. This was three weeks to the day of her diagnosis. She's just Janet to other people. To her family she was Mom, wife, sister, daughter, mother-in-law. That was what she was for me, my mother-in-law. She was a great one. Graveside services were held Friday. Everyone went home and life goes back to normal for most. For some of us, family and close friends, life will never be the same. What a way to start out the year? I told my Mom on Friday, "I've been to this cemetary twice in the last six months and I don't want to come back for a long time." This was the hardest funeral I have endured. I have had grandparents pass but I was not as close or familiar with them as I was with my mother-in-law. Chris and I will be married 9 years in June and dated a year before that. We visited her regularly and she was our most used babysitter.
I keep thinking I'm going to wake up from this awful dream but I know it's reality. Our world, our family, is forever changed. I know as a Christian, in my mind, this was God's will. I know, in my mind, timing was perfect. I know, in my mind, there was a reason. I'm just having a hard time feeling that in my heart. People say to read certain scriptures and they will help bring you peace. Maybe they will in time. Right now, there are too many questions, too much pain, and my heart is NOT at peace.
Everyone keeps saying, "How are you doing?, How are you feeling?" You know what I feel? Right now I just feel pain and regret. I regret I didn't tell her I loved her every chance I had. I regret I didn't call her every single day she was in the hospital. I regret I didn't tell her how much she meatn to me. I regret my kids will never know how great their Nana was. I regret that my husband lost his mother, his friend, his confidant. I regret I didn't tell her what a great job she did raising her son, the man I love. I regret I didn't talk to her more the day I spent with her at the hospital. I regret tat I feel bad for crying when I really want to. I regret that I feel like I need to be strong for my kids. Should they see some vulnerability in me. I regret I didn't help out more when she had knee surgery. I regret that she didn't feel like she could call on me. I regret not having more pictures of her. I regret not having more pictures of her with my kids. I regret that I never shared my testimony with her.
I wish I had all the right things to say. I wish I could say or do something to make my husband feel better. I want this sad feeling, this hole in my heart, this pain in my stomach, this knot in my throat, to go away. Yet, I don't ever want to forget her. I want a full night of rest to be normal, again. I want not to have to be near Kleenex all the time. I want to be able to listen to the radio without crying over every sad song I hear. I want to be able to talk to my husband again about happy things without the underlying sad tone. I want not to feel bad for trying to make a joke or laughing when I'm supposed to be sad. I want my kids to know their Nana loved them.
I'm starting to analyze my life. Through every circumstance God is teaching in our lives. He is helping shape and mold us. I just wish I didn't need this lesson right now.
They say every day gets easier. I'm ready for that but not getting their fast enough. I go to the house and in the back of my mind hope that she'll step out of the back room with her contagious smile and say, Hello Steph. It's not going to happen I know. When the phone rings, I want it to be her. I want to ask her how she's doing and tell her I love her. I want to tell her how much I'll miss her when she's gone.
I say she was too young. We are too young. Our kids are too young. I didn't get to say Goodbye. I didn't realize her last 3 weeks were going to be her last 3 weeks. The Bible says, "It is appointed unto man once to die..." It also says your life is like a vapor. We don't realize how quickly someone can be gone until it's someone close. I used to hear all the time, "Tell them you love them every time because you never know which time will be the LAST time." People say, "Tell your loved ones how you feel because if you don't you might regret it when they're gone." How true?!
How do I feel? I feel at a loss. I am at a loss for words in answering that question.
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